Martin Crimp, Plays 3 Read online

  ‘Crimes against humanity.’

  General (almost inaudible) I killed the Nemean lion …

  Jonathan What’s that?

  General I killed the Nemean lion.

  Jonathan Uh-hu.

  General … tore off its skin …

  Jonathan Uh-hu. Very / probably.

  General I killed the snake that guarded the tree … bore the weight of the earth …

  Jonathan Uh-hu.

  General … reached into the tree … broke into the

  garden …

  Jonathan Uh-hu—very good.

  General … killed the snake … reached into / the tree …

  Jonathan (beckoning) Now I’ve brought someone with

  me, General …

  General … reached into the apple tree …

  Jonathan This is—I’m sorry: I’ve forgotten your / name.

  Iolaos Iolaos—my name is Iolaos.

  Jonathan This is—of course it is—Iolaos—

  General … pulled the apples out of the tree …

  Jonathan And Iolaos here has volunteered to make the arrest—d’you understand?—which I’d like him to do very calmly, and with the minimum—obviously—of / force.

  General Arrest.

  Jonathan Exactly.

  Pause.

  Iolaos Just need to fasten those wrists, General.

  Housekeeper, Physiotherapist and Beautician have followed Iolaos into the room and watch. The General stares at him.

  Forgive me, General, but I will have to fasten your wrists.

  General (trying to understand) … ‘to fasten your wrists’ …

  Iolaos Yes, sir.

  Pause.

  General And you are …?

  Iolaos It’s me, sir. Iolaos. I’ve volunteered to take you out to the vehicle. But first I need—I’m sorry but I really do need to fasten your / wrists.

  General … ‘to take me out to the vehicle’ …

  Iolaos That’s right, sir.

  Pause.

  General (smiles) So you’re a monkey.

  Iolaos No, sir. I’m not a monkey. I’m Iolaos. I’m your friend. You saved my life.

  General Saved your life? Oh? Why?

  Jonathan Get him out of here / please. (Puts mobile to ear.)

  Iolaos You saved my life. You ran into fire. You carried me—General—across the sand.

  The General considers this, then slowly offers his hands to Iolaos who moves forward to fasten them.

  Jonathan (very soft, into mobile) What?—no—keep them outside, keep them outside—just have the vehicle / ready.

  General And are there cameras?

  Iolaos (to Jonathan) Well?

  Jonathan (to Iolaos) Mmm? (Into mobile.) One moment. (To Iolaos.) Sorry?

  Iolaos And are there cameras?

  Jonathan Of course there are cameras.

  General Ask.

  Jonathan What?

  Iolaos Ask.

  Jonathan (into mobile) Hello?—yup—listen: he wants to know if there are cameras … okay, okay … excellent … (to General) Yes, there are cameras—lots of cameras behind the steel fence—cameras / and lights.

  General And the gods?

  Jonathan (to General) What?

  General And the gods? Will the gods be watching?

  Iolaos The gods are always watching, General.

  General Ask. (Slight pause.) ASK THEM.

  Jonathan (into mobile) Okay … Now he wants to know … Listen: he wants to know about the gods—gods, the gods—yup yup yup yup, obviously. (to General) The gods will be watching: you have my word.

  The General offers his wrists once more to Iolaos, who fastens them with a plastic strap.

  General Then make it tight, Mister Monkey. That’s not tight. Tighter. Make it cut.

  Make it cut—good—in front of the cameras. Break open my body for the gods. Show me behind glass on television and I will explain on television how I have cleansed—how I have cleansed—how I have cleansed and purified the world. Tighter!

  Jonathan (softly into mobile during preceding speech) He’s been secured—yup—yup—have the vehicle ready …

  Iolaos (to James) You.

  General Tighter.

  Iolaos Fetch him his jacket.

  General Tighter.

  Iolaos Fetch him his jacket—let’s get this man / out of here.

  General

  And I will explain into the microphones

  that my labours are at an end

  that what I have done

  is what I was instructed to do

  and what I was instructed to do

  was to extract terror like a tooth from its own stinking gums.

  I will explain

  from my own carefully prepared notes

  and meticulous diaries

  oh yes

  oh yes

  that I am not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal Jonathan Come on, come on: get him outside.

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal Iolaos This way, General …

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal Jonathan I don’t want to hear this. Just get him outside.

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice Iolaos Come on, sir. Let’s go and find those cameras …

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice Jonathan (softly into mobile) It’s fine—yup— yup—he’s cooperating and they’re coming out now …

  The General is taken out by Iolaos, helped by the three women. We hear their voices recede. Jonathan remains in the room talking into mobile.

  (off) not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal Jonathan Okay, okay … Listen: tell them we are unable to comment for reasons of security but that a statement will be issued later.

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice

  not the criminal

  but the sacrifice Uh-hu, uh-hu—well I don’t care who’s asking—just tell them that the operation has been successful and that I will be making a full statement later in the afternoon.

  Their voices fade away … Excellent, excellent.

  The Boy appears. Jonathan ends the call. He seems about to speak, but changes his mind and goes out.

  Only James, Laela and the boy are left in the room.

  Laela reads aloud from her book.

  Laela (reads) ‘I wish I was not of this people. I wish I was dead or still unborn. We are the people. We are the people of iron. We work by day and in the night we grow sick and die. Our babies will be born with grey hair and god will destroy us. Father will not respect son and son will …’

  James … despise his father.

  Laela ‘Son will despise his father and hurt his father with cruel words. The children of the people of iron will cheat their parents of what is owed to them, condemn them, and disobey their wishes.’

  Faint music, growing in intensity.

  ‘Men will turn the cities of other men to dust without reason. Shame and truth will put on white dresses and hiding their beauty from the people will abandon the earth.’

  Laela continues to read, but is drowned out by the music.

  * In the original production the General was present from the beginning of the scene, asleep, naked.

  Notes

  19 blue cards Soldiers in combat carry blue or yellow cards which set out the rules of engagement.

  32 Tuseme club ‘Tuseme’ is Swahili for ‘speak out’. In central Africa Tuseme clubs are o
rganised to empower girls and protect them from sexual abuse.

  61 call for fire In combat, forward observers locate a target using global-positioning technology. They then ‘call for fire’ from the artillery.

  64 Kallinikos ‘Glorious victor.’ Epithet traditionally applied to Herakles.

  68 Unafikiri mimi ni mende Swahili for ‘You think I’m a cockroach.’

  70 Iolaos Friend of Herakles. When Herakles severed the heads of the Hydra, Iolaos cauterised the neck stumps to prevent the heads growing back.

  71 monkey Military slang for military policemen, who are despised by the rest of the army.

  75 ‘I wish I was not of this people’ Laela reads from Works and Days by Hesiod, active c.700 BC.

  FEWER EMERGENCIES

  WHOLE BLUE SKY

  FACE TO THE WALL

  FEWER EMERGENCIES

  Face to the Wall, now part of the Fewer Emergencies trilogy, was first performed as a single play at the Royal Court Jerwood Theatre Downstairs, London, on 12 March 2002. The cast was as follows:

  Gillian Hanna

  Paul Higgins

  Sophie Okonedo

  Peter Wight

  Director Katie Mitchell

  Lighting Designer Paule Constable

  Sound Designer Gareth Fry

  Artistic Consultant Antoni Malinowski

  Music Martin Crimp

  Fewer Emergencies as a trilogy was first performed in its entirety at the Royal Court Jerwood Theatre Upstairs, London, on 8 September 2005. The cast was as follows:

  Rachael Blake

  Neil Dudgeon

  Paul Hickey

  Tanya Moodie

  Director James Macdonald

  Designer Tom Pye

  Lighting Designer Martin Richman

  Sound Designer Ian Dickinson

  Music Mel Mercier

  Costume Supervisor Jackie Orton

  Company Voice Work Patsy Rodenburg

  WHOLE BLUE SKY

  Characters

  Three actors are required

  1 (female), 2 and 3

  Time

  Blank

  Place

  Blank

  / indicates point of overlap in overlapping dialogue

  2 She gets married very young, doesn’t she.

  3 Does what?

  2 Gets married, gets married very young, and immediately realises——

  3 Oh? That it’s a mistake?

  2 Immediately realises——yes——that it’s a mistake.

  3 She doesn’t love him.

  2 Oh yes, she loves him, she definitely loves him, but it’s a mistake all the same.

  3 Loving him makes it worse.

  2 Makes it far far worse. Loving him makes it far far worse. What can she say? She can’t say ‘I don’t love you’——it wouldn’t be true. And at the same time what does she see?

  3 Her whole life?

  2 She sees——that’s right——her whole life stretched out in front of her like a … hmm …

  3 Corpse?

  1 Corpse?——no——no——what?——no——that’s not the way she thinks——it’s more like a motorway at night——a band of concrete stretched out in front of her with reflective signs counting off the miles——mile after mile after mile.

  Pause.

  She’s not sure what to do.

  3 Oh?

  1 No——not at all sure what to do.

  2 Leave him.

  1 Well of course——yes——leave him——talk to him very tenderly next to——well for example the river——talk to him next to the river just where the water swirls round the piers of the stone bridge. Talk to him: patiently explain that she’s made a mistake——she loves him, but she’s made a mistake.

  2 She’ll touch his cheek.

  1 That’s right: touch his cheek, ask him not to cry, explain it’s for the best, touch his cheek, take his hand, comfort him——

  3 As best she can.

  1 Comfort him——obviously as best she can——then get away. Pack and leave. Pick out just the few books she really values, because what else does she want?——all she wants is those few books and to be free——pack the books and leave.

  2 So she packs the books and leaves.

  1 I’m sorry?

  2 Packs the books.

  3 Packs the books and leaves.

  1 Ha.

  3 What’s funny?

  1 Packs the books and leaves? No.

  2 She gets pregnant.

  1 She packs nothing. She says nothing. Not by the river, not in fact anywhere. She gets——and that’s exactly what happens——gets pregnant——gets pregnant very young and has the baby. Look: there it is.

  2 There it is screaming.

  3 She can’t love it.

  1 Can’t what?

  3 Love it——can’t love the baby——gets depressed.

  1 Gets what?

  3 Depressed——gets depressed——depressed by all that screaming——all that sucking——all that biting the breast.

  1 Oh no. She loves it. She loves the child. She loves the way it sucks——even the way it bites. Loves its hair, loves its eyes.

  2 Loving it makes it worse.

  3 Oh? Makes what worse? The marriage?

  2 Loving the baby makes the marriage worse.

  1 Loving the baby cements the marriage.

  2 Does what?

  3 Cements it.

  1 It cements the marriage. Yes. Oh yes. The three of them make a picture.

  2 What kind of picture?

  1 A picture of happiness.

  2 What kind of picture of happiness?

  1 What d’you mean: what kind of picture of happiness?

  2 What does a picture of happiness look like?

  1 It looks like them.

  3 Oh?

  1 It looks like the three of them——yes——in their winter hats. It looks like the three of them in the pet shop selecting a pet. It looks just how they look in the toy shop selecting a toy: pictures, pictures of happiness: that’s what a picture of happiness looks like.

  2 So she doesn’t know.

  1 Doesn’t know what? What is there to know? She knows what the good schools are, she knows what TV programmes are or are not acceptable, she knows the importance of fruit, she knows what time of day the blackbird visits the garden and when the blackbird visits the garden she says ‘Oh look: there’s the blackbird visiting the garden.’

  2 So she doesn’t know.

  1 Of course she knows——doesn’t know what?

  2 About the things he gets up to.

  3 Oh? Does he get up to things?

  2 Of course he gets / up to things.

  1 Of course she knows——of course he gets up to things——she’s not stupid——she knows what it means when his eyes slide away like that.

  3 Oh? Under the winter hat?

  1 She knows he gets up to things——yes, under the hat——even in the toy shop selecting a toy his eyes still slide away. She knows what’s on his mind.

  2 So she packs her books, takes the child and leaves.

  1 Does what?

  2 Packs her books——takes her child——leaves.

  1 What books?

  Pause.

  What books?

  2 The books.

  3 The books she had at the beginning.

  1 Did she have books at the beginning then?

  3 Of course she had books at the beginning: student books.

  1 (smiles) Oh those: student books.

  3 That’s right: the books she had at the beginning: student books.

  1 (smiles) Those books——the difficult ones——the ones she had at the beginning——the ones she wrote her name in at the beginning——the books that made her feel alive at the beginning.

  3 Yes: where are they now?

  2 Good question.

  3 What happened to those books?

  2 Good question.

  1 What happened to the books? Well the books are probably … hmm …
somewhere in a plastic bag.

  3 Oh?

  1 Yes, in a … hmm in a plastic bag or something. Why?

  2 So the books aren’t part of the picture.

  1 What picture?

  2 The picture we were talking about: the picture of happiness.

  1 (smiles) Oh that: the picture of happiness. You mean the picture of the boat: the two of them on the boat.

  3 The boat? No. Not two of them on the boat, three of them in the pet shop, three of them buying the pet. What boat?

  Pause.

  What boat?

  1 (inward) Ha.

  3 What’s funny?

  1 (inward) That pet——that pet’s so funny——the way it knows the difference between right and wrong——the way it burrows when it’s done right and when it’s done wrong comes to the surface——comes to the surface——smiles at everyone——shows us its yellow teeth. And the name’s so funny. What a funny thing for a pet to call its own child. What kind of name is that?

  2 You mean for a child to call its own pet.

  1 I said for a child to call its own pet.

  2 You said for a pet to call its own child.

  1 You think I don’t know what I said?

  3 Well we won’t argue.

  1 We won’t argue because what I said was to call its own pet——what a funny thing for a child to call its / own pet.

  2 So you’re saying she’s still there?

  1 Still where?

  2 She hasn’t left the house?

  1 Left? No. Why? Because of the things he gets up to? Why? No. Why should she? Look at the floors. Look at the walls. Look at the way the dining table extends and extends. On summer evenings it extends and extends right through the French doors and out under the Blue Atlas Cedar. Small lamps hang in the branches and everybody’s laughing: the doctors and nurses, the butchers and the musicians who have become their friends: work friends, boating friends, friends from school——parents——traders and craftspeople with exceptionally rare skills——the very same people in fact who designed and built then polished with their own hands this ever-lengthening table where everybody sits under the blue tree and laughs in a boisterous but good-natured way——I stress good-natured way——about all those things that make life worth living. Of course she’s still there.