Martin Crimp, Plays 3 Read online

  Offstage the General can be heard approaching, half speaking, half singing.*

  I am asking you if that is understood.

  Beautician Normal day. Fine.

  Housekeeper Cathy? (Slight pause.) Cathy?

  Physiotherapist Yes alright, it’s a normal day.

  General (off, sings/speaks without expression) ‘I can’t give you anything but love—baby. That’s the only thing I’ve plenty of—baby. Scheme a while. Dream a while. You’re sure to find—happiness—and I guess—’

  The General appears, dressed in a tracksuit, and halts mid-phrase. The women look at him warily. He surveys the room. He smiles.

  Ladies. Good morning.

  Housekeeper and Beautician Good morning, General.

  Physiotherapist How are you today?

  General I feel good.

  Pause. Without moving, he continues to survey the room.

  Housekeeper D’you need emptying, General?

  General Do I need what?

  Housekeeper (softly) Empty his bag, Nicola.

  General (to Housekeeper)

  Now listen:

  tell Amelia we’re having lunch at the Chinese Embassy

  then at three o’clock

  put this in the diary

  because at three o’clock

  I’m talking to the minister about helicopters

  because there are not enough helicopters

  and I have men dying because of it and then at half past four

  this should be in the diary

  at half past four I am appearing on television

  until half past five when a car is taking Amelia and myself

  and make sure this car is booked

  because we need to go directly to the airport

  for a meeting at the United Nations in New York.

  So you will kindly tell Amelia

  that after lunch at the Chinese Embassy

  she must come home and pack

  and I will need the adaptor for my razor

  because the voltage in New York is not the same is it?

  Slight pause.

  I am asking you a question.

  During the preceding speech Beautician has wheeled the trolley over to the General, knelt to pull down his jogging-pants, revealing a urine-bag strapped to his leg, drained the bag into a jug and pulled the pants back up again. On his last line he grips her by the hair.

  Beautician What question, General?

  General What is the voltage in New York?

  Beautician You’re hurting me.

  General I’m doing what?

  Housekeeper (calmly) Let go of her hair. Please. She

  doesn’t know the answer.

  General (releasing her) Doesn’t know the answer.

  Beautician No—sorry.

  General I’ve hurt you.

  Beautician I’m used to it.

  General Pain?

  Beautician Yes.

  General (smiles) Used to pain? Oh really?

  Slight pause.

  And you are …?

  Beautician You know who I am. I’m Nicola.

  General You’re fucking my son.

  Beautician No.

  General You’re the one fucking my son.

  Beautician No.

  General Which one of you is fucking my son, then?

  Slight pause. He looks at them. Points at Physiotherapist.

  This one.

  Housekeeper (to distract him) Three o’clock, General?

  General This is the one: look at her.

  Housekeeper Three o’clock? Yes?

  General This is the one. This is the one who shrieks in the night—like a fox—shrieks like / a fox.

  Housekeeper Three o’clock?

  General What?

  Housekeeper At three o’clock you’re talking to the minister —remember—about / helicopters.

  General

  At three o’clock I’m talking to the minister

  that’s right

  about helicopters because there are not enough

  helicopters and at half past four

  put this in the diary

  I am appearing on television until—

  The General experiences an intense pain which momentarily stops him speaking. To master the pain he counts back in sevens:

  One hundred and three … ninety-six … eighty-nine … eighty-two …

  Physiotherapist General?

  Beautician Keep back—don’t touch him.

  General … seventy-five … sixty-eight … (Pain eases.)

  sixty-one … and so on … (Smiles.) to infinity.

  Slight pause.

  Get me my son. I want to see my son—where is he?

  Housekeeper James can’t come. He’s busy.

  General I want to talk to him.

  Beautician He’s in a meeting.

  General (amused) My son is in a meeting? What meeting?

  Housekeeper Nicola just means there are people he has to / talk to.

  General GET ME MY SON, SOLDIER.

  Housekeeper gestures to Physiotherapist, who leaves the room.

  (paranoid) Where’s she going?

  Housekeeper She’s gone to get James.

  General She’s going to talk to the government.

  Housekeeper She’s gone to find James, that’s all.

  General Don’t let her talk to / the government.

  Beautician (to distract him) Shall we tidy you up, General? Mmm? Shall we make you look nice?—for the television?

  General (stares at her)

  D’you think I’m a child, Nicola?

  Or maybe you think

  is this what you think?

  that I’m losing my mind?

  that a chemical has made me lose my mind?

  that because of that bitch

  I felt the glass crack in the white pillow

  is this what you think?

  that the glass cracked in the white pillow and I lost my mind? Because I wake up on a Saturday morning

  smelling of my own shit

  that makes me an imbecile?

  James appears in suit, unseen by the General.

  Well, does it? (Smiles.) Maybe you’d like me to call for fire, Nicola.

  Beautician Don’t know what you mean.

  General

  Call for fire

  give your co-ordinates and call for fire.

  Then you won’t doubt the accuracy of my mind.

  Because my mind is accurate to one square metre anywhere

  on the surface of this earth.

  And if I call for fire

  Nicola

  you will quite simply turn into a stick of flame.

  Attack of pain. General counts as before. James indicates to Housekeeper and Beautician to leave. They go out.

  One hundred and five … ninety-eight … ninety-one … eighty-four … seventy-seven … (Pain eases.) seventy-seven … seventy … sixty-three—

  James (cold) What d’you want, Dad?

  General Mmm?

  James What is it you want?

  General (simply) I want you to find me the bitch.

  James What bitch, Dad?

  General The bitch that did this to me—the bitch that poisoned me—bring the bitch here.

  James I’m not listening, Dad.

  General Bring the bitch here. I want to break her legs.

  James Don’t use that word about my mother.

  General Break her legs for me. I want to see her dance.

  James I’ve told you: she’s dead.

  General Poison her the way she poisoned me.

  James I’ve told you: she’s dead.

  General Then watch her dance—let’s see her try and dance.

  James You have seen her buried: you stood next to me.

  Pause.

  General Died how?

  James I’ve told you this.

  General Killed.

  James Yes.

  General (paranoid) Killed by the governm
ent—murdered by the government.

  James No, Dad—killed herself.

  General Murdered by the government.

  James Will you please listen to me: Amelia is dead. She killed herself. She killed herself because of you.

  General (smiles, flattered) Me? Oh? Because of me?

  James You have known this for a month now.

  Pause. James makes to leave.

  I’m sorry, Dad, but I have to go.

  General Back to your meeting.

  James What?

  General You have to go back to your / meeting.

  James Who told you that?

  General Who are you talking to?

  James I’m not talking to anyone.

  General You’re talking to the government.

  James I talk to who I like, Dad. I live in this house and I talk to who I like and there is something you need to understand: you are a criminal. You are accused of crimes. You have wiped people off this earth like a teacher rubbing out equations. You’ve stacked up bodies like bags of cement.

  General (smiles) Is this what you learn at the university?

  James I’m not listening, Dad.

  General To hate your father—to spit in your own / father’s face.

  James I said I’m not / listening.

  General

  Because I have purified the world for you.

  I have burnt terror out of the world for people like you.

  I have followed it through the shopping malls

  and the school playgrounds

  tracked it by starlight across the desert

  smashed down the door of its luxury apartment

  learned its language

  intercepted its phone calls

  smoked it out of its cave

  thrown acid into its eyes and burned it to carbon.

  While you’ve been logged on to internet chat-rooms

  I’ve seen my friends burst open like fruit.

  While you were hiding your face in that girl’s hair—

  yes?—yes?—

  I have been breathing in uranium.

  Every streak of vapour in a cold sky

  is a threat

  every child with no shoes

  wandering up to a checkpoint

  every green tree-line

  every quiet evening spent reading

  is a threat

  and even the lamp on the bedside table

  even the coiled filament inside the lamp

  is a threat.

  So don’t you talk to me about crimes

  because for every head I have ever severed

  two have grown in their place

  and I have had to cut and to cut and to cut

  to burn and to cut to purify the world—

  understand me?

  (softly) I killed the Nemean lion

  oh yes—

  with these hands—with these hands—

  and the dog

  the dog with the three heads

  I collected it from hell in front of the cameras

  I have visited the dead in front of the cameras—

  remember?

  (Points to himself proudly.) Kallinikos. Kallinikos.

  Pause.

  James Yes, Dad.

  General (tenderly) Tell me something: where is my son?

  James I am your son.

  General You?

  James Yes Dad.

  General Then why are you doing that?

  James Doing what?

  General Why are you backing away from me?

  James I’m not.

  General My son wouldn’t back away from me. Where is my son?

  James I am your son.

  General James—Jamie.

  James Yes.

  General But where is the other one? Where is my little one? The one from Gisenyi.

  Slight pause.

  James (in disbelief) Fuck off.

  General Where is my little one?

  James Fuck off, Dad—that isn’t true.

  General I want to see him. I want to see Laela.

  James That’s not true, Dad. That boy is her brother.

  General I want to see my son.

  James I am your son—I am your only son—that isn’t true.

  General You are my only son?

  James Yes.

  General Then tell me something: why is it so quiet here? When is the attack?

  James You’re at home, Dad.

  General I know where I am. And I know what’s it’s like before the attack. Sometimes it’s so quiet you can hear the ants running over your boots. (Smiles.)

  James (turning away) I have to go.

  General James—Jamie—my only son.

  James That’s right.

  General Then if you love me promise me something. You must promise to talk to the doctors. You will tell the doctors to help me die. You will not allow me to be humiliated. You will talk to the doctors and the doctors will help me die.

  Slight pause.

  James I can’t do that.

  General Why? Don’t you love your father?

  James Of course I love my father—but I also love justice.

  General (smiles) Justice.

  James Yes.

  General This is justice.

  James Yes—no—no—not this, but—

  General But what? To lose my mind?

  James You’re not losing your mind. You know precisely what you’ve done.

  General I have only ever done what I was instructed to do. And what I was instructed to do … (Becomes uncertain.) … what I was instructed to do … This should be in the diary … put this in the diary …

  Slight pause. James observes his father.

  James (cold) I’ll talk to the doctors. Not help you die—I can’t be responsible, obviously, for that—but I can talk to the doctors.

  General Mmm?

  James I said: I will talk to / the doctors.

  General You promise me?

  James Yes.

  General Give me your hand then.

  General stretches out his hand. James hesitates. At the same time Laela appears, holding a book and a plate of food. James warily puts his hand into the General’s grasp.

  And there’s something else.

  James It’s too tight, Dad.

  General There’s something else.

  James That’s too tight.

  General Something else you must / promise me.

  James It’s too fucking tight!

  General releases him. Laela makes herself comfortable with book and food. She ignores the conversation that follows.

  What?

  General I want you to take Laela—mmm?

  James I don’t know what you mean.

  General Take Laela—there she is—she’s yours—take her. I’m giving her to you and I’m giving you both money—and money—listen—because I have arranged this—for the child. I want you to take Laela, and I want you to be my child’s father.

  James (faint laugh) To be your child’s father.

  General Those are my instructions.

  James I’m not interested in your instructions, Dad.

  General Not interested.

  James No.

  General(puzzled) You don’t want Laela? Because Laela can make a man feel like a god. (Slight pause.) You should’ve seen her crouching under that tree. I said to her: what are you doing under this tree? She said: I’m fetching water. I said to her: well, excuse me you don’t look as if you’re fetching water, you look as if you’re crouching under a tree. How is that fetching water?—where is your plastic container?—where is the spring? Oh, she said, I don’t need a plastic container, I don’t need to go to the spring. My father has told me that if I crouch here long enough, in the shade of these leaves, the water will come to me. (Slight pause.) I said: then you’ll have a long wait, sweetheart. She said: oh no—the water is already here.

  Slight pause.

  But now she won’t even sleep under the same bl
anket. She thinks I’m a mende, don’t you? Unafikiri mimi ni mende.

  No reaction from Laela.

  (Smiles.) Cockroach. She thinks I’m a cockroach.

  Jonathan Who thinks you’re a cockroach, General? Not history, I hope. (Grins.)

  Jonathan has appeared, mobile phone to his ear.

  (into phone) Yup, yup—I’m in the house—give me two or three minutes—okay?—no, no—keep them outside please—

  As he speaks he shakes James’s hand with warmth.

  Jamie—good to see you. (into phone)—What? I said keep them outside unless we need them—yup—yup—excellent.

  He ends the call and offers his hand to the General, who simply stares.

  And how is the patient? Well rested after his many labours? (Slight pause.) Getting enough fruit? (Slight pause.) Because I have to say the reports pass through my office—the medical reports land on my desk—in strict confidence, naturally—and what I read in those reports, General, is … well it’s a story of almost super-human endurance. (Smiles.) According to the doctors, this man shouldn’t really be alive at all—should he, Jamie? But alive is what you are, and being alive have—well I’m sure you know this—have certain—what?—obligations. Obligations not only towards the living, but also—and in your case very much so—obligations towards the dead.

  Pause. The General continues to stare.

  (faint laugh) You realise that’s one big fucking African headache you gave me?

  Pause. The General continues to stare.

  Big headache, General. Africa. Remember?

  James He’s not stupid.

  Jonathan Not stupid—of course not—forgive me, James—obviously not stupid, but very very dangerous: a man, as I’ve explained to you, whose independent—and I stress this—whose completely independent actions have placed my government in a very delicate position. (faint laugh) There were moments when I even started to believe that indiscriminate murder—General—had been my own policy. It was Kitty who kept me sane. The man I love, she said, could never be responsible for such a thing. Neither could the man I love be responsible—she said—for protecting the person who is.

  He takes a grape from the bowl of fruit, eats it, and smiles at the General.