Dealing with Clair Read online

JAMES. Well, another time.

  CLAIR. The Walsums are very pleased with your offer.

  JAMES. Well naturally I’m very pleased they’ve accepted. Because it’s important who you buy from and I think they’re rather nice people, don’t you Clair.

  CLAIR smiles.

  No, you’re quite right, they’re not at all are they. Not like us for example. Because we are, aren’t we, we are nice people. Well aren’t we nice people?

  CLAIR smiles.

  No you’re quite right, we’re not at all.

  CLAIR. Speak for yourself.

  JAMES. What? (Brief laugh.)

  ,

  Look, I’m sorry to have dragged you back.

  CLAIR. Yes, I wasn’t quite clear –

  JAMES. I just want to be sure.

  ,

  Eight hundred thousand pounds. (Confidentially.) Do you think it’s worth it Clair? Am I being made a fool of?

  CLAIR. I’m not buying it.

  JAMES. Yes, but do you?

  CLAIR. Yes I do.

  JAMES. Well I’m glad you said that, Clair. Because so do I. And after all, what’s money?

  CLAIR smiles.

  Well. Yes.

  ,

  CLAIR. This road will always be desirable.

  JAMES. Listen: a train stops right outside your window. The passengers’ faces are all pressed against the glass. Doesn’t that worry you?

  CLAIR. You get used to trains. You don’t think about them.

  JAMES. What are they anyway, are they egg? Your sandwiches. Are they egg?

  CLAIR. No.

  JAMES. I’ll tell you something. And of course I may be completely wrong. But I’m pretty certain you have one of those beds, don’t you, that folds up into a sofa. Is that right? Look, I’m sorry, I’m not embarrassing you am I? All I mean is, is it begins as a sofa. You spend the evening sitting on it, most probably on your own. Then at a certain time, and although the time is utterly up to you, it’s probably always the same time near enough, you get off the sofa, and you unfold it and rearrange it in a special way which once seemed rather complicated but now comes to you as second nature, and you get ready for bed and you get into it. Please stop me if I’m wrong. And in the morning you are woken by the alarm – if not by the trains – and you get up, and you get ready for work. But before you go out, you turn the bed back into a sofa again. Except on those days – and this is the nub – except for those days when you’re late for work perhaps, or you simply can’t face it, you simply can’t face folding the bloody thing up. So you leave it. But the moment you get home in the evening you take one look at it, you take one look at it and you regret having left it like that. Unmade like that. Bitterly. Because immediately there is a dilemma. I don’t think it’s too much to speak of a dilemma, do you. And the last thing any of us wants is a dilemma, particularly in the evenings. Because either you turn your bed back into a sofa, knowing that in a few hours you’ll have to turn your sofa back into a bed again. Or of course you leave it. The disadvantage in this case being that desolate feeling that nothing in the room has really happened to distinguish between morning, evening, and night.

  CLAIR (not unamused). No, I’m afraid you’re completely wrong.

  JAMES. Because there are times when I think it must be rather terrible to live on your own.

  CLAIR. What makes you think I live on my own?

  ,

  Why should it be so terrible? – I like being on my own.

  JAMES. It has its advantages.

  CLAIR. It certainly does.

  Both faint laugh.

  Your wife hasn’t been, has she.

  JAMES. She trusts my judgement.

  CLAIR. Isn’t she curious?

  JAMES. I’ll let you into a secret: I’ve decided not to tell her till we exchange. A house in London, she’s absolutely no idea.

  CLAIR. The thing is is Mr and Mrs Walsum want to exchange within the next couple of weeks if possible.

  JAMES. Yes, of course.

  CLAIR. Because they did already have a firm offer.

  JAMES. Which they rejected.

  CLAIR. Yes, but on the understanding there’d be a speedy exchange of contracts.

  JAMES. Yes.

  ,

  Listen –

  CLAIR. I think they’d feel happier if they’d heard from your solicitors.

  JAMES. I’m instructing them this afternoon.

  CLAIR. Fine, that’s fine. It’s simply that –

  JAMES. Then I’m afraid I’m going on to Rome. A client of mine wants me to take a look at a painting. It’s a complete waste of time. You can see from the pictures it’s not genuine. For one thing it appears to have more than one vanishing point which is a curiosity to say the least for the period in question.

  CLAIR. Right, so what exactly is your position now?

  JAMES. You know what I mean by vanishing point?

  ,

  Listen, you seem to be asking me whether I’m honest –

  CLAIR. Perspective. I’m not stupid.

  JAMES. – whether I’m honest, Clair.

  CLAIR. Well of course not, it’s simply that –

  JAMES. Because quite frankly –

  CLAIR. I’m sorry, it’s simply that they are beginning to panic.

  JAMES. Well please set their minds at rest. Perspective, you’re absolutely right.

  CLAIR. And I think they feel that since they’ve deferred to you –

  JAMES. In what way have they deferred to me?

  CLAIR. In that they did have a firm offer.

  JAMES. Which they rejected.

  CLAIR. Yes, but since they’ve now deferred –

  JAMES. I think you’ll find that I have deferred to them, Clair, in this business.

  Brief sound of laughter off.

  Is there somebody here?

  They listen. Silence. CLAIR moves to the hall doorway. CLAIR (calls). Hello? (Louder.) Hello?

  Silence.

  There shouldn’t be. (Fiddles with the keys.)

  JAMES. Perhaps it’s next door. Those are flats next door, aren’t they.

  CLAIR. Yes, but they’re owner-occupied.

  JAMES. Like yours.

  CLAIR (laughs). I couldn’t afford to live here.

  JAMES. But the principle is the same. They all have beds that fold into chairs. These… Harraps, they’re eating their hearts out, are they.

  CLAIR. They’ve been a little aggressive on the phone.

  JAMES. Have they? I love it up there by the Welsh border, don’t you. If only it wasn’t death. Because it’s very beautiful, but really it is death.

  CLAIR. So we’re talking about maybe a fortnight.

  JAMES. At the outside, Clair.

  CLAIR. Well I’ll tell them.

  JAMES. Not egg.

  ,

  Do you know Italy at all?

  CLAIR. I’ve been to Venice.

  JAMES. Seven days was that, or a long weekend?

  CLAIR. I’m sorry, I don’t like being laughed at.

  JAMES. Laughed at? Clair…

  ,

  Unfortunately I have to fly. Because my real passion is for trains, particularly sleeping trains. I think a cubicle in a train is perhaps the most perfect place to sleep, don’t you. There’s hot water and prohibitions in several languages. The rhythm of the track lulls you asleep. You dream your way under the mountains, then when you wake up, you lift the blind and the Mediterranean is right outside the window, lapping on empty beaches. In the east the sun’s coming up behind the vineyards, and the great marble cities: Pisa, Florence, Rome, Naples.

  ,

  For some people sleeping on trains is a kind of compulsion, did you know that? Last thing at night they disappear from the end of the platform. They jump down on to the ballast and follow the electrified rails until they find an unlocked train. Of course the water in the first-class washrooms has gone cold, but the benches retain some warmth at least from the last passengers. Yes I know it might be argued they have no other homes, but
I think the truth of it is, deep in their hearts, they’re in love with trains, don’t you.

  ,

  Is something wrong?

  CLAIR. I told you: I don’t like being laughed at.

  JAMES. But Clair…

  CLAIR. No. Stop.

  JAMES. All I meant Clair was that –

  CLAIR (on ‘Clair’). I asked you to stop.

  ,

  JAMES. All I meant was that personally twenty-four hours in Venice is too much for me. What a foul wet place. Thank god it’s sinking.

  Blackout.

  ACT TWO

  1

  Night. ANNA kneels downstage with cards, playing patience on the floor, beside her a glass of orange juice. MIKE and LIZ are sprawled on a sofa, drinking wine. MIKE is noticeably drunk.

  MIKE. I just mean, look all I mean is, well come on, I’m right.

  LIZ. I don’t think you are. I’m sorry.

  MIKE. Well come on, you know I’m right. Because look, you’re in a room, right, with a man –

  LIZ (with a laugh). I’m sorry, you don’t know. You just don’t know what you’re talking about.

  MIKE. No come on, come on. Listen to me. You’re not listening to me. I mean you know what I’m talking about, don’t you Anna.

  ANNA takes no notice. MIKE faint laugh.

  Yeah, that’s right. You see Anna will bear me out on this. Because you’re in a room right, with a man. Or anywhere, not just a room, anywhere. And there you are. There you are and you’re talking about, well look I’m not talking about what you’re talking about, because that’s not my point – I mean come on come on if you won’t listen… Because the point is, and look this is my point, is you both know, you both know what’s going on. But no one admits it, that’s all. I mean you can say what you like –

  LIZ. I didn’t say a word.

  MIKE. Yeah, say what you like but you know – you both know – that I’m right because this – listen I don’t see that it’s funny – because this is human nature.

  LIZ. It’s certainly your nature.

  MIKE. Alright, well that’s what I’m saying. (Points at ANNA’s cards.) Snap. (Faint laugh.)

  ANNA looks up briefly.

  I didn’t know Italians played that.

  LIZ. Patience?

  MIKE. Yeah yeah. Patience.

  ,

  What did I say? I mean take, let’s take Clair for example.

  LIZ (laughs). Clair?

  MIKE. Yeah yeah. I mean what’s so funny, I mean that’s just an example isn’t it. Clair. The waitress. Because, what, you know, I’ve spoken to Clair, what, a few times, quite a few times now, and that’s exactly the sort of thing I mean. Because, you know, it’s prices… it’s properties… it’s a serious business, but we both know what’s going on, Clair and me, because that’s what’s always going on. And d’you see, that’s all I’m saying.

  MIKE leans forward to pour wine into ANNA’s glass. She puts her hand over it without looking up.

  That’s all I mean. Look at this, she’s Italian she doesn’t drink.

  LIZ. You mean you want to rape Clair.

  MIKE. No no no. Come on. Come on, will you. Because who’s talking about violence? (To ANNA.) Did I say anything about violence? No I mean what is this? I mean I’m just talking about something that happens, something you know that happens, and here you are, here the two of you are, and you’re trying to turn it into a moral issue.

  LIZ (amused). Who said anything about a moral issue?

  MIKE. Because what you’re both trying to do is completely distort what I’m trying to say. Because – no it’s not, it’s not funny – because I’m not talking about violence, aggression, or whatever. Because alright, we know there’s something going on, and it’s sexual, but it’s based on respect. Respect is all part of it. I mean what does she mean, what do you mean rape Clair. Because let’s face it we’re not talking about, I don’t know… Arabs, are we. We’re not talking about, you know, Italians, are we Anna, or anything like that. I mean I’m not criticising but it’s different, that’s a different kind of society.

  ANNA. I’m going to bed.

  LIZ. Goodnight.

  ANNA goes.

  MIKE. Yeah, goodnight. (Calls after ANNA.) Look, no offence. (Faint laugh.)

  MIKE drinks.

  LIZ. You know she’s been using our phone again.

  MIKE. Mmm?

  LIZ. Anna. I caught her using our phone to call Italy.

  MIKE. How d’you know?

  LIZ. Because she was speaking Italian. (Drinks.) Although of course she denied it.

  MIKE. She denied she was speaking Italian.

  LIZ. She denied it was Italy.

  ,

  MIKE. Sometimes there’s no one there, you know. The whole of Italy. No one there. Turin. Pisa. Florence. Rome. Naples…

  LIZ (on ‘Rome’). Stared right through me and denied it.

  MIKE. The lights are all on but there’s nobody there.

  ,

  Look, she knows the position on phone calls.

  LIZ lies with her head on MIKE’s lap.

  LIZ. Anyway she’d eat you alive.

  MIKE. What? Anna?

  LIZ. Clair.

  MIKE. Well I wouldn’t mind.

  LIZ. Fuck off.

  MIKE. Part of the service.

  LIZ. I wouldn’t count on it.

  Both faint laugh.

  Let’s go to bed.

  MIKE. Because what’s he coming back for anyway?

  LIZ. He wants to measure up.

  MIKE. Measure up. What does he want to measure up?

  LIZ. I don’t know.

  MIKE. Because what did he do last time?

  LIZ. Well obviously not measure up.

  Both find this funny.

  MIKE. So this is what Clair said.

  LIZ. Clair was at lunch.

  MIKE. They let them out, do they, for lunch. Because he does know I suppose, he does know in two days we exchange.

  LIZ. Well of course he does.

  MIKE. Well as long as he knows.

  LIZ. Well of course he does. Let’s go to bed.

  MIKE (amused). You know he’s never been outside, don’t you.

  LIZ (amused). What?

  MIKE. Clair told me –

  LIZ. In one of your conversations.

  MIKE. In one of our conversations she said to me, he’s never been out in the garden.

  LIZ. So?

  MIKE. Well you’d think he’d be curious.

  LIZ. Well obviously he isn’t.

  Both find this funny.

  MIKE. Because I think he’s cold.

  LIZ. Well I think he’s charming.

  MIKE. Anyway, you can ask him.

  LIZ. Ask him if he’s charming?

  MIKE. If he’s curious. No, you can ask him tomorrow if he’s curious at all.

  LIZ. I won’t be here tomorrow. I’ve told you: I’m at the flat.

  ,

  MIKE. You’re at the flat. Right. So how’s the flat.

  LIZ. The flat is fine. It’s just –

  MIKE. Look, if we don’t take this flat we won’t be cash.

  LIZ. I know, I know.

  MIKE. Because if you want people to treat you like…

  LIZ. I know.

  MIKE. Shit. Or whatever. Eating your heart out. Or whatever.

  ,

  What’re you looking at?

  LIZ. What’s that line?

  MIKE. It’s a crack. Just a crack.

  LIZ. It’s just I think, you know, we might begin to get on top of each other.

  MIKE. Well I’m sure we might. I’m sure that’s, you know, a strong possibility.

  They laugh.

  Or whatever.

  ,

  LIZ. Come on, let’s go upstairs.

  MIKE. What’s wrong?

  LIZ. Anna might come in.

  MIKE. Anna might come in. (Faint laugh.) You’re right.

  LIZ. Well she might.

  MIKE. Yes she might. I’m sure
that’s, you know, a strong possibility.

  LIZ. Come on. (Gets up.)

  MIKE. I mean she knows what I’m talking about. Anna knows what I mean, don’t you Anna.

  LIZ takes her glass and reaches for the bottle to clear it away.

  Hey.

  MIKE stops her and drains the bottle into his glass. LIZ then takes her own glass and the empty bottle out into the kitchen. MIKE stretches out, but doesn’t drink, leaving his glass on the floor.

  Because there you are, I mean, you both know – you both know – what’s going on… Because, well that’s what’s always going on… And all I’m saying is, don’t try and deny it. (Faint laugh. Then after a moment a longer louder laugh as if something unexpectedly amusing has struck him.) Yeah, yeah… part of the service.

  LIZ reappears at the doorway.

  LIZ. Are you coming?

  She goes up to him.

  (Gently.) Come on, let’s go to bed.

  She touches him. He’s asleep. LIZ remains a moment, then goes.

  2

  Morning. The cards from the previous night remain on the floor where ANNA left them. CLAIR and JAMES enter.

  JAMES (laughs). But I’d love to see it.

  CLAIR (laughs). I don’t think you would.

  JAMES. And what colour are the walls?

  CLAIR. The walls?

  JAMES. Yes.

  CLAIR. I don’t know. Neutral.

  JAMES. Neutral? (Laughs.)

  CLAIR. Absolutely neutral. (Laughs.) They don’t take sides.

  JAMES. Clair. A joke!

  CLAIR. Yes.

  JAMES. Well I’m amazed. I’m amazed and amused. And you?

  CLAIR. And me what?

  JAMES. Do you take sides?

  CLAIR. I don’t understand.

  JAMES. Or are you just neutral. Like the wall.

  CLAIR. Oh, I’m like the wall. That’s my job.

  JAMES. Impenetrable.

  CLAIR. If you like.

  JAMES. And there’s a shelf.

  CLAIR. A what?

  JAMES. On the wall. The bathroom wall. A little glass shelf and a tube of toothpaste that lasts for months and months and months.

  CLAIR. Really?

  JAMES. I’m sorry. I’m prying.

  CLAIR. You’re good at that.

  JAMES. Yes I am, aren’t I.

  Both laugh. Then silence.

  When I rang do you know they wanted to send somebody else. They were trying to fob me off with one of those dreadful boys.

  CLAIR. Toby.

  JAMES. You’re right. That was the name. He said, I’ll come and meet you with the key. I said will you please listen to me, I’m dealing exclusively with Clair in this matter.